Epic Fail: Cassie Steele

I know, you're asking "Who the hell is Cassie Steele and why do I care?" Well, to answer your last question first, you probably don't. But then again, you probably don't give a shit about half of the stuff on my forum yet you still keep coming back. Now to answer the first question I'm going to tell you a tale:

    ...there was this strange land called Canada. Canada was a magical, wonderful land where maple syrup ran like water, pancakes roamed and grazed freely, beer poured from the taps, healthcare was available for everyone and you didn't need to be wealthy to get quality, and the only thing to do really was play hockey and collect rest stop trays. But in this land there was a television station and on that television station was a show called Degrassi: The Next Generation.

Oh Degrassi was an enchanting romp filled with the most fucked up kids you would ever meet. These kids dealt with suicide, murder, rape, molestation, pregnancy, drugs, STD's, abortion, gay bashing.....and that was just the 9th graders. And amongst these kids was one girl named Manny Santos. She was the over sexed Filipino girl who made her rounds with nearly everyone as long as they had a penis. (Don't worry, there was another girl who shacked up with everyone no matter what was between their legs.) Here's a montage of that sassy Manny now.

Oh those crazy horny kids. But the reality was that Manny doesn't exist. No, Manny was played by a girl named Cassie Steele. And Cassie had a friend who was on the show. The characters name was Jimmy Brookes. He was the wise cracking basketball all star with swagger who swaggered his ass in front of a bullet during a school shooting and landed his ass in a wheel chair. We all know the actor who played Jimmy as the current Rap/R&B phenomenon Drake.

So seeing her friend Drake make it big, Cassie decided to pack up her bags and move out of the enchanted land of hockey pucks and bacon that is actually ham (fuckin Canada....) and move to a much smoggier place called Los Angeles. The city where angels and careers go to die. There, Cassie, inspired by her friend Drake, wrote and recorded herself an album called Destructo Doll and even made herself a music video. Soon she found herself as a regular at the Roxy. And it was good.

[Cassie Steele - Mr. Colson]

Well I stopped paying attention to Cassie after awhile. Maybe it was fate, maybe our paths weren't meant to be in twined, or maybe.....and by maybe I mean it was because of, Degrassi just got boring and I could have given a crap about the kids who were on it.

Funny thing about insomnia. At 4 in the morning there really isn't much to do except Google whatever pops in your head. Cassie popped into my head one night and my brain almost popped right out after I hit enter. Cassie was no longer a metal chick. Now she was in a duo going by the name of Mel. And the band was cleverly called KaraMel. In KaraMel I saw Cassies evolution from Canadian Actress to Rocker Chick to....uhh......I guess Bubblegum Drop Fairy? Well, see for yourself.

(Hey, I had to sit through it, so do you.) From a kids show to sexualized rocker to sexualized kids band.

A strange thing happened, however, for Cassie or Mel or whoever she is now......she actually became popular. No no no, not here in America. We have this little thing called taste. But over in Europe where music hasn't existed since the Beetles broke up is where a group like KaraMel could thrive. And I'm sure with all those wondrous bright colors the Japanese are digging them as well.

So Cassie/Mel, on the international stage I say good for you. You seem to have made it. But here in America, the land where it matters, when I see a kiddie group I expect them to be teaching the youngsters what words start with what letters. And when the letter gets to F I don't expect it to be followed up with "Feeling.....as in Feeling up a guy in his underwear." So Cassie, I give you a big American Fail!